Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
