I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
