The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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