Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
