They should really pass out barf bags in church
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
