I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
