Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
