I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize