Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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