Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
