everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
