Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
