dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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