In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize