Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
sex in a hospital.. check
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
