Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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