so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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