your parents love me but you hate me
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
