Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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