I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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