I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
