If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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