I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
