I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
