When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
