i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
