Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize