New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
