1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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