when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
