covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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