The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
