It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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