There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
