You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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