I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
