I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
