Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You've changed since you got that strap on
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
