Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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