so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
