Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize