...so i touched it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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