: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
