Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize