Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
