He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
