I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
