he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
