i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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