I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
