I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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