you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
