if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize