I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
