Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
