Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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