he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
