i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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