we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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