I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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