At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize