I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
