I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
