Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
